Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize