I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
