my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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