I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's never too late to be topless.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
