Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
