I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
