Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
