she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
