dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
