fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I love you.
Bad choice
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
