You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
