The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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