I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
