I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
