My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you would pick up someone in the library
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize