Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
