is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
