Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
