My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize