I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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