I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
...so i touched it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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