eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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