I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
