yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
