Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
