Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
