If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
