clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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