He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
