he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
