Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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