There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
