He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
