i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
