If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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