Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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