Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize