if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
