the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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