Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
