who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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