I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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