Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
