just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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