Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
