I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
