Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize