Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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