i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
