You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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