I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
