Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
