You made me cry and you don't even care
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
