Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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