There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
