please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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