He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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