Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
