just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
