i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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