M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
