You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
