Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You ruined the universe
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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