I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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