Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There was a lot of him and a little penis
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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